Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
You got this…
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.