I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.