If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real