Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!