I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*