Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
You Might Also Like
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE