[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
wishing you and yours all the best
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.