“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
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Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.