[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Breaking news:
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef