[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?