4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast