It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.