Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive