The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.