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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise