*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.