Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
podcasts
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.