My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
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My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?