hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.