If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Bless you
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.