Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Tony Hawk, age 6
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
#Thanos #MondayMood
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
📽️movie date🎞️
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Best seat on the street 😍
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead