HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
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Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *