I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
You Might Also Like
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that