mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.