Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
subtitles are so good nowadays
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call