my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
lol
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.