At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.