How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
You Might Also Like
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m not proud
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*