As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted