Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏