LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.