Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what