I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND