if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?