what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this