I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.