Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs