Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
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Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you