Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.