7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?