Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Best spot.. 😅
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Carpe DM
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening