Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.