me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
People buying plungers never look happy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day