“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face