The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Pat is about to own someone
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd