Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.