“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.