“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god