[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Only a mother’s love …
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills