I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.